I had a brief phase in my life when all I wanted to be was a worm farmer. I can hear you giggle but I believed then (and still do) compost worms are a far more efficient way of dealing with our waste than what we currently do. Just imagine, we throw away our garbage, which is then collected by big smelly trucks and then it is carted off to fill a big hole somewhere, creating in it's wake serious environmental damage caused by both the gases and the runoff this heap of stinking mess creates. Far better I reckon to force every household to compost its household scraps and have a population of worms to convert this "waste" into beautiful, black, life giving compost or vermicast (to give its proper name). Anyway, enough of the lecture and on with the poem. It struck me one day what a absolutely fantastic life worms have. They are bisexual, make love or eat most of their waking moments and some species actually have three penises ! I then coupled this some heavenly thoughts and a bit of re-incarnation and this was the result.

The Worm Ode

As I stood at the Pearly Gates,
I could see St. Peter squirm,
"Of all the beings you could go back as",
"You want to be a .....worm ?"
Now listen here, Pete,
I'm aware you are a Saint,
But you know my history,
And you know indeed I ain't.
Now let me make amends,
Please forgive my sins of the past,
Nothing would please me more,
Than making vermi-cast.
I know the choice is open,
And I could be swimming in the sea,
But how can I convince you,
There is nothing I'd rather be.
I never have been fastidious,
Or worried about my dress,
I hate having to tidy up,
And prefer to live in a mess.
And then there's all that loving,
No ties and totally free,
I got that silly with just the one,
Imagine if I had three !
And if that wasn't enough,
I would be both boy & girl,
A change is as good as a rest,
I'll give anything a whirl...
And think of all that lovely food,
My own body weight everyday,
And never having to get on the scales,
With that feeling of dismay.
So that's it St. Peter,
That's my testament and will,
So just let me be a worm,
And help reduce land fill !


Copyright Allen Jesson :) 2000