Roast and Toast Poems

Don't Mention The War - Happy 40th Birthday Peter !

A group of Peter's friends decided to gang up and create a "Roast and Toast" for Peter on his 40th birthday. Good company, a great restaurant and a rare public delivery by yours truly all combined to make a truly memorable evening !

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Don’t Mention The War !


Hello, Peter Tucker,

it’s OK, I’ll avoid the obvious rhyme,

we’re all here to celebrate your birthday,

and with apologies to MC Hammer, it's now "Tucker Time".


Now, I know you're scared of being 40,

and I must admit you do look pretty old,

but you're only as ancient as the woman you're feeling,

(or at least, that's what I've been told !)


Actually, I know you feel like you're thirty,

but don't worry, that's only because you're off the smoke,

and those young things you letch and leer after,

they're saying to themselves: "Dirty old bloke"!


Some of this should have been in German,

but in Deutsche class I was up to my normal trick,

and it's funny but the only bit I can remember,

and it seems quite apt: "Ich Liebe Dich".


I know you like a beer or twelve,

and after a few, you do make a woeful sight,

and some of your attempts to get home can be desperate,

especially when your car's been impounded overnight !


It was rumored that you wasn't coming this evening,

(some said you had a hot date and just couldn't leave her),

but I know the sad truth of the matter, pipe, slippers, the TV,

and reruns of Bandstand, Gilligan's Island and Leave It to Beaver !


So, despite your better judgment,

we're all here to celebrate your big 4-0,

and it's no use cringing and lamenting on the past,

because there's a few other things you should know:


Bob and Rita tell a funny story,

about how they first met "Big Pete",

they knocked on the door, heard 70's sitar music, and 5 minutes later,

 there was a sweating, semi-naked man in stockinged feet !


 Now, this is no time to explore Peter's sexual habits,

because, sadly, these lines are near their end,

and what went on behind that closed door,

is purely between Peter and his blow up friend !


Now, we know that Peter likes sailors (and sailing),

and he keeps inviting Bob along to the sauna,

and I know Bob has never had the courage to go along,

he's too scared of getting stuck in the corner !


Seriously, Peter likes German women with nice legs,

and driving like a maniac in fast cars,

which has a lot to do with his upbringing,

and the amount of time he's spent in seedy bars !


He doesn't like people who are lazy,

or people who get up early on a Sunday morning,

so if want to spend the weekend in the Blue Mountains,

well. now you know, you've had your warning !


Peter has traveled far and wide,

unfortunately, some of it was with Liberty One,

Peter was a child of the dot com revolution,

and we've all been burnt by that imaginary sun.


And it's said that as Liberty One slid off the Stock Exchange,

David, Peter, Fiona and Chris tried to figure out what was wrong,

they spent many a night in deep discussion,

and sliding under the bars of Lan Kwai Fong.


But seriously folks, Peter the words we have spoken,

like the Wild Rover you are, were only in jest,

because we've all shared some great times with you,

and despite everything, you're still one of the best.


So, Happy 40th Birthday, Peter,

that's really what these words are for,

and I'm really quite pleased with myself,

because I've never once mentioned the war.


And everybody has contributed to this story,

we hope you enjoyed the tale, 10 Bellies Tucker,

have a truly wonderful birthday and enjoy it while it lasts,

because believe me, you are now, truly, one old ------ !


Copyright Allen Jesson :) 2003

"If I say so myself, it went down very well"


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